Well this was a little something I have been pondering over for a really long time. Thought I would blog about the same but everytime I decided to pen my thoughts (or rather type them out here), some stupid project/assignment submission kept getting into the way. Now that the 1st semester is finally behind me, I finally have some time to put this post together.
General norm... you do not say you love your friend. You say you like your friend. You will say "I love my friends" in general but will never say "I love ...." as in you will never take a specific name. I wonder why. Why the double standards? You can say "I love my mom", "I love my sister", "I love Tommy (your dog)" but why can't anyone ever bring himself to say "I love ABC", ABC being your best friend. I mean is that person not as important to you as any of the others. Does he/she not deserve the same treatment as the rest? Why is the word always associated with a romantic angle whenever it is used in conjunction with a name.... Just something embedded in people's heads?
There have been so many occasions when I have seen people judiciously steering clear of the word. Even if they accidentally use the word "love" the disclaimer "as a friend" is soon to follow. And when I witness this exchange more often than not I don't know whether to laugh or cry. Should I blame society for this distinction? Or the sheer narrow mindedness of people?
Society has anyways provided a means by which even by using the word "love" we can distinguish between the romantic aspect and the non romantic aspect. For the romantic aspect you can always use the phrase "in love" and English anyways provides a pretty vast set of words which can be used to express this. Yet if the word "love" is used for a friend, it gets misinterpreted. So one has to resort to saying "I like ABC" even thought he knows that deep down he has strong feelings of affection and trust for that person, enough to qualify him for the other word. So when you say you love some family member or someone close, aren't you pretty much talking about a similar level of affection and trust? Then why are friends not entitled to a similar treatment?
I personally feel that "like" is perhaps too mild a word to capture the real depth of feelings associated with the word "love". Can you think of saying "I like my mom"? Hell no. Agreed that all friends do not reach that depth but as and when if one friend does, he is still never promoted to the "love" level.
I know I cannot change the way the world thinks and nor do I intend to. Though I do wish that someday's people's outlook would change and they will learn to accept their true feelings for their close friends.
22 comments:
I guess it takes alcohol for people to say that...
On a serious note, tho.. this is quite an interesting observation. But yes, you have to look at the way the word is used. "Love" has, over time, been associated with a lot of depth. And if it somehow starts getting used for friends, however close they may be, people wonder whether u really mean it when you really are "in love." That distinction is a fine line.
Now, to the accidental use, you are guilty of it urself. When i was first getting to know you, it did slip out.
You dont need to change the world to accept your true feelings for your friends. You just need to change yourself, and hope your friend doesnt misinterpret your meaning. But then, if he really is that close a friend, he'll know it all along, and you wont really need to be explicit about it.
Isnt that the definition of a close friend? One who understands what u feel and think, and accepts it. No matter how it affects him, no matter how left out he feels, or how much of a third leg.
@zoxcleb... well what I mean is that my friend would know what I mean but others around will still misinterpret the same... The point of this post is people are wary to use that word for the best of friends even if they are a lot closer than relatives for whom the word "love" slips out with ease... Why the romantic angle interpretation just for a friend? Yeah I know that aspect starts usually from friendship but it should not necessarily be interpreted that way... So the norm should be "non romantic unless stated otherwise", the way it is for all other relationships...
i still dont get why everyone is so hung up on what the world thinks. i know u need to be able to fit in.. but after a point, when it compromises what u are, just let it go.
and the way u say it, need not be true for all.. i know i cant just let that word out at all. not in public. but thats just me. Whoever needs to know, knows.
Why the romantic angle interpretation just for a friend? ... the norm should be "non romantic unless stated otherwise"
In a perfect world thats how it would be. But the perfect world is not full of rumour mongers, and gossipers. The tabloids are just an extension of modern human nature. People are just jealous of the closeness you share with someone, and assume that since its not with them, it has to be romantic. Maybe because they arent romantically inclined to u, or know they just dont stand a chance.
So i guess, it just comes out to one of the seven sins. Jealousy. The thought that drives ppl to look at you with "strange eyes" when u say you love your best friend.
Love, when expressed for a relative, is inherently connotated with the relation - so when you say "I love my mom", you are suggesting motherly love, as opposed to romantic love. This, I think, is a well-understood short-cut mechanism in popular lingo.
It breaks down in case of a close friend, who isn't a relative, because saying you love that person is ambiguous -- did you mean romantically or otherwise? Hence, the special meaning to "love" as used for a non-relative...
Personally I wouldn't feel the need to use "love" with my best friend - designating somebody your best friend is an acknowledgement in itself of the love and trust you have for that person, isn't it? That would make expressions like "I love ABC", ABC being a very close friend, conceptually superfluous and redundant.
@ anonymous: Would like it if you reveal your name... The point is not just telling in public or to that person but sometimes accepting and telling yourself too. Why the awkwardness if you want to say you love someone as a friend? You know it's a lot more than just liking the person.
The point is not just telling in public or to that person but sometimes accepting and telling yourself too.
Redundant, according to me, because you already know that you love that person as a friend.
Why the awkwardness if you want to say you love someone as a friend?
Sure go ahead, tell your friend that you love them, but don't forget the "as a friend" qualification. It appears to me that your grouse is only with semantics of the various phrases that involve "love" - I fail to see a more profound point that you are making. May be that is the point; may be I'm too stupid to get the bigger picture, but I'll be pleased to get enlightened.
On a lighter note, would you "like to" or "love to" know my name? :)
@anonymous: Well I've seen situations where people will go into a "I don't love ABC, I just like him/her" etc etc.. when the 3rd person is very much aware of the how important ABC may be to him/her and is very much aware that they are close friends and there is no romantic angle to the relationship... My grouse is about the denial mode that everyone goes into when it comes to using the word love for a friend...
as for ur identity, have a pretty god idea who u are, but would "like" to know anyways...
Should I blame society for this distinction? Or the sheer narrow mindedness of people?
I believe its the society firstly to a larger extent and then the prejudices and sheer narrow mindedness comes into play..
You've brought out a very valid point Rupsha and somehow I have felt the same everytime - exactly why does a person differ when speaking out this word 'love'. I wish the world was this brave to always follow this - The norm should be "non romantic unless stated otherwise", the way it is for all other relationships...
I did not read beyond the second para- this is SO NOT TRUE. I have to comment and then read on.
I felt it was choking to read something this narrow- either you have not had friends who use words like LOVE for you or there is something wrong in where you are searching the answers.
Ask most of my friends- I have spoken the word for them- and without any explanation following my words. Its about your depth of emotion and tone when u deliver the word which makes a distinction on how it is interpreted.
Now lemme read what you have to say..
@ujjwal : well i gave a 3rd person perspective... so yes i've had friends who will think a zillion times b4 using the word love for their friends and probably won't use it after that... kinda sickens me... but true...
RC, get a boyfriend who would always say the magical words for you :)
Everyone craves to hear them!!
Revisited your post. Remember having discussed it with you earlier, but kind of feel strongly about the subject so, so felt that a comment is pretty warranted. In fact if I remember right I took the line that people tend to be circumspect in using the expression " I Love you " for your best friend, because of a subconcious ingrained conditioning that cautions us against it, lest societ ie ppl arnd us , make some unkind or casual comment insinuating a romantic angle to the relationship. While I can understand the umbrage and revulsion which an idea like this can inspire ( after all what right do people who really do not care much about you or or friend hae to insinuate at all, and why on earth should it affect the way you look at your friend, n vice versa) , people will and do talk, n however much you chose to ignore them, such chatter will eventually reach the affected individiuals, play some mind games on them. It is true that if the friendship is strong, n can withstand such fickle pressures, but it is true, sometime it can be embarassing n cause awkward moments. Light hearted teasing is all very well, bt things may sometime take a darker hue, n thats when it gets murky, n the friendship is tested, reexamined etc.
That was for the societal angle, how abaut what your friend will think, if you suddenly spring an "I love on him" - Difficult to predict. You could blame society again for it. We are so unused to "I love you " in any angle but the romantic, that it may not be unusual for the mind to race to conclusions. It is true some freindships do culminate into beautiful romances, but more often than not they don't. Probably a learning experience is required for any person to correctly judge the differnce between a friendship love, n romantic love. However I sense a contradiction her even as i write, how is one to judge the difference, after all, friendsdhip does not need romance, but romance surely needs friendship. Nevertheless I do think even though we may not explicitly make our love for a friend known through our word, our gestures , actions will reaffirm what we feel for him, n her, n let hm/her know how much we treasure his/her friendnship.
@nandini... u cudn't have framed it better... you've hit the nail on the head!
@nandini
hey no fair.. u repeated what i said.. only, u said it better...
:-)
It's pretty much a cultural difference. In India, words like 'love' are considered R-rated. People think, if you use the L word for someone, something is definitely cooking up.
When I read your blog, the first thing that came to my mind was - but I say 'I love ABC' all they time! ABC = both my male and female friends, sometimes roommates as well. And then I thought about this 'society' part you've mentioned, and everything made sense.
I'm in US! Not India. Culture!
Here, people express themselves freely, not really thinking like - 'Whoa, wait a sec... is it okay for me to say I love ABC? What if someone thinks otherwise?! Okay, okay I won't say it at all. Period." No sir. Being yourself is important. And people don't try to butt into everything. They're a whole lot less nosey here.
Hmm... something I like about US. and HATE about India.
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