Ever heard the phrase "Deafening silence"? I laughed at the oxymoron... till I heard it. It is so loud that you feel like placing the palms of your hands on your ears and say "Please God no more..."
Labeled since childhood as a talkative girl I never understood the importance of speech until recently. Ironical, isn't it? Communication is probably the lifeline of every relationship, be it among friends, lovers or family. Usually it does not receive its due importance because more often than not this aspect is always there. You haven't spoken to a friend for a few days, and you call up and say "Yo dude! Wassup?" But what happens when this call never comes? You begin to wonder.... "Why doesn't this person call? Doesn't he/she care about me any more?"
Communication - the imparting or interchange of thoughts, opinions, or information... and perhaps a lot more.... by speech, writing, or signs. In the absence of this all you are left with are memories and imagination. Sometimes it's acceptable and you can make your peace with it... but sometimes you cannot and your mind is filled with unpleasant thoughts as you drown in a pool of sorrow which probably the other end never consciously intended pushing you into.
It begins with convincing yourself that things are still the same. You look at old e-mails, letters, cards, gifts and chat transcripts, recall old conversations and tell yourself that nothing has changed. But at some point you cannot ignore it any longer, you cannot help but notice that something is missing from the relationship. Then the Devil sitting inside your mind gets to work, filling it with all kinds of strange, unpleasant, sometimes baseless thoughts, and you try hard, really hard to battle them with optimistic thoughts, pleasant memories and so on. Sometimes the latter emerges victorious and you calm down, but only for some time till the next battle is waged. Otherwise you succumb to those thoughts.... "Does this person care about me any more? Is he/she not calling because he/she doesn't like talking to me any more? Oh this must be the case... That explains why the communication gap is bothering me so much but not the other person involved...." and it continues. With every such thought you push your spirits one notch lower.
It's strange that the absence of a little thing like communication can wreak havoc in your life and the relationship you share with the other person involved. Perhaps you give that person undue importance in your life so much so that the person unknowingly begins controlling your moods, your life. Probably not a very smart idea, but nevertheless at that point all you can do is feel lost and helpless. You try talking to that person, explaining how you feel... if you are lucky then things get back to normal, if not the self inflicted torture continues....
23 comments:
the self-convincing phase... thats tough.. the devils, the mind at work.. its all confusing... because in the end, something is missing.
"You try talking to that person, explaining how you feel... if you are lucky then things get back to normal, if not the self inflicted torture continues...."
very very apt....
thanx... just outta curiosity, may i know ur name?
is identity that important for u to notice the crux of the comment? or is it that the identity determines how u react to it?
i appreciate your comment irrespective of your identity.... i was just curious
I just hope that you dont have to torture urself like i have seen my friend do.
Or if you already are, at least things get better for u... coz memories and imagination dont quite cut it in a relationship.
and without the actual communication, one is left wondering, can anything be salvaged at all?
You've given words to my recent feelings..
It becomes unbearable when you realize that someone you were speaking to - everyday n for hours together is now so uncomfortable doing the same even for 10 minutes each day. There is this silence that comes in even when you speak - it becomes more or less like a one way conversation. I feel more helpless bcoz even after i have told all this - the way i feel about the conversation - things aren't quite changing.
The only question that resounds within me again n again is - "Does this person not care about me any more? Do I really mean nothing?
It all gets tough when all this happens with someone you are in love with - when she suddenly says that there was abs nothing between you two except plain friendship (even after those excessive talks at the most odd hours and the feelings put down straight from day 1 :S - Is the wait worth it - can the Devil be silenced
@prasoon... I sincerely hope your troubles are resolved soon. I know how painful silences can be....
@prasoon
i know exactly what u mean.. 2nd para atleast...
but i guess, someohow we have to realise that the person concerned just needs their space, and hopefully will realise, sooner rather than later, what the two of you had... before that is, u torture urself too much.
@rupsha
are u sure u know deeply painful they can be??
There are many things that can cause the silence. Sometimes its just that the person is busy or tied down themselves. Maybe they want you to call and check in on them.
Its a true testament to the human mind that we jump to paranoia given the slightest hitch.
We may be correct, but given the strength of the relationship between the two, some benefit of doubt must be given. Maybe, just maybe, they need their space for some time, and ur constant checking, talking, although in pure good intentions is eating into their "alone time."
Patience may be tough, but sometimes its the only way.
Many a good thing is destroyed by haste, and lack of communication.
Hope things improve for you, and I hope that i learn from what I just said, and your experiences.
Here's some relevant quotes that I found particularly interesting ...
"Silences make the real conversations between friends. Not the saying but the never needing to say is what counts"
- Maragret Lee Runbeck
"True friendship is sitting together in silence and feeling like it was the best conversation you've ever had"
- Anonymous
... and no points for guessing my identity
silences are fine when you are face to face and you are comfortable even with no words being exchanged... a whole other story when this silence translates to no phone calls, no conversations as prasoon pointed out...
not always.. sometimes the silence can be a strain. especially if ur senses tell u something other than what the person does.
and somehow in the tangled web of things, it eventually does translate to no phone calls and only "work" conversations....
the point of the quotes is that if you indeed have a true friendship, that's not just a one-way street, you the know other person so well that communication can be silent too ...
not so the case if you are insecure ... thats when one needs the impression of being wanted constantly, however false it may be
And zoxcleb is at best tangential ... emotive, but tangential
yes.. i understand your views and agree whole heartedly... what I was referring to is there being no communication.. not even silent.... as for your identity, well that wasn't too difficult...
@anonymous with no points
tangential depends on perspective...
and it is a lot less compared to the quotes u put up, which missed the entire point anyway.
In a world where everyone's anonymous, lemme be open!!!... cos i got no qualms about my identity... :D
Anonymous had a few good points...then got confused...
Rupsha... is in deperate need of love...
Prasoon... i can relate to the situation in a somewhat different way... lets call it betrayal...
Zoxcleb... wat if the silence means...u've just run out of ideas...
Anon-y-mous... stop attacking people... be happy...
My comment: sometimes time spent apart is good for a friendship (almost always)... cos u stop taking each other for granted... and remain as friends...instead of becoming a burden...
rupsha... think about all ur friends in that respect...and you'll find the reason for your silence...
You don't have to agree with me...but thats my take on it.
@rio u r right.. i do not agree with all of your comments, perhaps because you wouldn't know why i wrote this in the first place... that's okay... but i do understand and appreciate what you said in the end... something that i realized a few days after writing the post....
all said and done... when it seems uphill and the battle is lost.. u just resign urself to the situation...
in the end u just wish it never happened.. the memories etched away, burn everytime u think abt them.. and so u condition urself... i used to care, but things have changed.
its not a cry for attention.. its just the sigh of giving up.. due to the lack of reciprocity.
nicely done rupsha. I skipped to the bottom of all the comments here and just read Rio's (imen rock!). I do not have anything to contradict/agree/disagree to, just that it was a refreshing article which struck a cord with a lot of people. With me, the chords took the shape of violent strumming.
Nice article. if it talks about your state, then you are ata cross road where you have to decide whether the likeness is something more than that!
I think people might naturally term it as love. You like a guy, unable to convey at the face and you are getting insecured at the fact that he might be spending time with other of his friends. Happens to everyone. Happened to me too.
You have two choices now:
1) To get closer to him by talking to him directly and conviction
2) Get out of it by spacing teh relationship. Take interest outside school in a cyber friend. I tried it. Works wonders and keeps you balanced.
3) It is highly necessary that you keep your office at office. CMU is the learning space. If you are at home and still think of him, well there is some real problem.
4) Many a times we do not talk directly because of the fear of rejection or bcoz of teh bloated self ego. Try it. Even if the worse happens, you know what is next.
5) Life is not a stop, its a journey!
Neat write up!
"Perhaps you give that person undue importance in your life so much so that the person unknowingly begins controlling your moods, your life"
More often than not that significant other does not even know about this! Another communication gap!
This kind of Silence only means that the past needs to be buried and forgotten. Its not our fault when we want to be liked or appreciated or loved or remembered. Its a natural human tendency. It matters so much, coz we blame ourselves for the lack of communication, when in reality its time to self-introspect. Do we really want to self-inflict ourselves with doubts, misery, worries or move on and give our precious time to those who deserve it. In other words its time to move on and never look back. Well that is difficult but not unattainable. Coz where I stand, people who cannot appreciate concern, affection or care are losers, whereas, people who can give them are on higher grounds.
Just happened to stumble across this .. Couldn't get away without commenting ..
Very true post, esp. the last two paragraphs. Probably everybody has experienced this in life at least once. But hitherto, I've reached this conclusion -- Most people you care about the most care about you the least. Fortunately, the vice-versa holds but we often fail to identify and reciprocate to those precious few :(.
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