After a rather looooong break from the blogging world, I suddenly remembered a promise I had made to a certain friend... that I would blog about a topic that we feel strongly about... so I'm back!
Here's a scene from a typical Indian family. A boy/girl breaks it to his/her family that he/she has found true love. And as expected he/she is bombarded with questions... which is natural since a person's life/future is at stake. For the example, let's assume the protagonist is a guy...
(Code : B - Boy, G - Girl, P - Either parent, X/Y - Random variables, R - Boy's religion, C - Boy's community, D - Girl's religion, M - Some girl picked out by B's parents)
B: I wanted to tell you something. I like G and want to marry her.
P: Who is she?
B: I met her at X/know her through Y (etc etc)
P: Is she also a R?
B (now starts looking a little bit worried... here's the tough part): No. She's actually D
P (now his face starts clouding over): Then the answer is no. You have to forget her and marry M.
Scene 2... starts somewhat similar... here B is finally relieved that the girl belongs to his religion and community but unfortunately his woes don't stop here....
P: Oh she is also R? Fantastic! Is she also from our C?
B(overjoyed): Yes!
P:Great. Does she belong to our caste (or better still sub sub sub section of our caste)
B:Uh oh.... no...
P: Sorry son.... we can't accept this. What will everyone say? (Aaah... unfortunately the whole world takes precedence over the boy's happiness)
Scene 3... B gets lucky... girl is from his caste and community and practices the same religion...
P: Son, you have our blessings. When can we meet her parents to finalize the date?
Whoa! Wait a sec..... Aren't we forgetting some bigger issues here?
Even though we are in the 21st century and India claims to be open minded and modern when it comes to relationships and marriages, somehow the age old mentality still prevails. I would normally assume that when you are choosing a life partner what really matters is the person... his/her values, personality, compatibility and so on. But somehow these factors never seem to be considered by parents. For them the deciding factors are religion, community, caste and then age and everything else is secondary.
I tried to see this from a parent's perspective... Tried to give myself reasonable explanations for this and failed to convince myself. What if the person is perfect for me and is a wonderful human being? I see no justification in turning him down because of issues like religion, community and so on.
Religion is perhaps the only bit I can understand the concerns about, primarily if one party needs to change his/her religion in order to marry and be accepted by the other family. You cannot possibly change your beliefs after 20 odd years and adjustment would certainly be difficult. But if both families are okay with their religious differences and do not impose anything on the other, is it that difficult?
Coming to community... Okay... so there are cultural differences. Some rites and rituals are different, their upbringing may be different. Does that make them bad human beings? And is it not something one can learn and adjust with? Also, in the age of nuclear families, it's not that the involved parties would actually live with the in-laws and deal with such differences on a daily basis. And even if the need does arise, I don't suppose learning the new family's culture is a Herculean task. Some amount of adjustment is required anyways, even within the same community. I have heard people saying that marriage isn't about two people but about two families. But seriously... in the modern age how many times do the families actually meet and spend so much time that the differences would become that apparent?
Even if the community does match, does it necessarily imply that both parties have had the exact same upbringing? They may speak the same language but may have led completely different lifestyles, thereby leading to huge cultural differences anyways. For all you know, the girl may have been roaming around in a bikini (not that I have anything against that but typically many people from the older generation are still scandalized by the thought of it) and the guy's parents think that the girl is oh so conservative and can easily gel with their family because they happen to be from the same community.
As far as caste system in India is concerned, well that's a huge controversial topic in itself. Anyways, when it comes to relationships and/or marriages, this plays a huge role. Many many years ago caste determined the work you do or rather it started off as being the indicator for the work you do and then the system degenerated into it being the deciding factor. So may be in those days, it would indicate the financial situation of the family which may be a valid concern for the other family. But in the 21st century, this distinction between castes as far as financial condition is concerned, has become a blur and perhaps no longer holds true. There are several families from so called lower castes who are doing really well and are completely stable financially while there may be members of the upper classes of society who may be living hand-to-mouth.
Hurdle # 4 --- Age. Thankfully the ideal age difference between the boy and the girl is no longer considered to be 8+. Phew! Long back my mother once told me about how I should find a boy 3/4 years older than me and I bluntly replied that he would be more like a brother for me rather than a boyfriend or husband. I'll admit she wasn't too happy with my answer. In the earlier days such an age difference was desired since girls were married off really early so someone had to be mature and responsible.... and of course this was none other than the breadwinner for the family. The situation is no longer the same now, though I will admit that at some level the whole concept of the guy being the primary breadwinner of the family and therefore the more mature and responsible one, still exists. Indian society still has difficulty accepting a couple where the girl is older than a guy, even if it is by a few months.
In present times parents also have another slightly different reason for wanting the age difference and I won't say it is illogical. Given the fact that nowadays both the husband and the wife work, sometimes it may lead to some form of rivalry, primarily if they happen to be in the same field. Therefore parents feel that if the guy is significantly older, then he would always be ahead of his wife as far as career is concerned and there would be no rivalry. However, doesn't this issue boil down to something that basically requires understanding and love between the husband and the wife? Why would one feel jealous if the person one loves is doing well? Isn't it like a victory for both? Why the ego problem or the rivalry?
All said and done, I will admit that there is some explanation for each of these supposed requirements that our parents tell us to keep in mind. But the truth remains that irrespective of what they say, marriage or a relationship after all brings together two people who love each other enough to actually adjust (if they haven't adjusted already) with all these differences and make it work in the long run. So as the saying goes "Jab miya biwi raazi to kya karega kaazi?" (If husband and wife are ready, what's left for the priest to do?)
