Butterfly Effect

No.. this is not a movie review... But I did steal the title of the post from the movie...

Today a friend and I began discussing how the smallest decisions in our lives go on to change the course of our lives completely. At the point of decision making, the difference between the 2 choices may have seemed so very insignificant that you just picked one randomly or you were convinced that a particular path was so much better than the other. Throw in a few years and when you look back you realize that that 1 decision is what defined your life and had you taken the other option, things may have turned out very very different. It is difficult to comprehend that it could've had such a far reaching effect on your life. Sometimes this realization fills you with regret, sometimes you are just glad or thankful that you took a certain decision... and sometimes you just wonder... what if...

Here's an example from my own life (which was in fact what got me thinking about this...). A few years earlier when I was applying for my Masters degree while still in college I picked a bunch of universities and applied and that did not include CMU. Unfortunately things didn't quite turn out the way I had hoped so I started working and applied the next year. During the application process, ties with an old friend/acquaintance were restored and eventually after 5 years that person became my husband. What if I had applied to CMU the previous year? May be I would've met someone else in CMU or later or may be I would've still been single with my parents breathing down my back and asking me to meet prospective grooms... Who knows?

If you believe in fate, perhaps you can argue and say that even if you had taken a different route, you were just destined to be where you are now... that is the paths would have eventually merged. The whole "What's supposed to happen will happen" argument....

So may be, I would've met the same person later... on the other route. After all Silicon Valley is not THAT big, we interned at the same place in consecutive years and we did have common friends... Who knows?

Flashback II

After a really really long hiatus I'm back to leave a mark on the blogging world. I actually logged in to write a different post when I realized that this was lying around incomplete for a long time. Sheesh! So what's changed in my life in the last few months... or may be a year? There's a biiig change. I've graduated. After 20 months of sleepless nights and innumerable happy and sad moments I finally completed my Masters degree and have moved on to a new life in sunny California.

This post is not about my life here (may be another post about that? Wow... I'm on a roll!!!) but about the life I left behind almost a year back.

As I sit and reminisce about life at INI (since I have nothing better to do right now ;-) ), I can't help but smile. It's been such an awesome experience. I remember our first day at INI, Aug 25, 2006. We were an excited lot of 60+ students and we went into INI to admire our brand new high end machines and of course our offices/cubicles. People started scribbling on their white boards kinda to show ownership while Sanchita went around drawing and scribbling on everyone's white board including her own. Cluster 103 of course had a rather amusing conversation going on on the white board and others would stop by to read it and sometimes contribute to it and have a laugh.

The next day we had the famed INI cruise on the 3 rivers... The food was great and so was the dancing. Uj in fact managed to squeeze in 2 looong tracks (20 min each) of Hindi songs to our immense joy and some people's displeasure (understandable if you have to put up with 40 min of unknown songs you don't understand) and even taught Dena (the director of INI) how to do the Bhangra. We were restricted to 2 drinks per person, so the guys went around begging the till then sober girls to hand over their drink tickets... Trust them to find a loophole in the system! In the end there were fabulous fireworks... though till date I'm not quite sure whether INI organized that or we just happened to be at the right place for fireworks after a Pirates' game.


Then classes commenced and all of us began spending more and more time at the INI. Think that became our home rather than "second home". We would work on assignments and projects till 3/4 am, sometimes even later, and then take the "Escort" home to catch a few winks. Many a times we would get frustrated or tired with our assignments in the middle of the night and take a little break and wander into the INI kitchen or other people's offices/clusters. I remember how for several nights in a row Sethu would leave the cluster with his laptop unlocked and we would change the password and then leave a completely ridiculous and in fact unrelated hint like "Mutex lock" (inspired by OS). And every night at 2 am like clockwork he would announce to every unfortunate soul in the cluster "Hey guys... you are not gais (cows), you are bhaises (buffaloes)...". Bobby too kept us entertained with his many now famous "Bobby isms".

Birthday celebrations in INI were always a riot. The trend in our batch was started by Saurabh, though sadly I chose to stay home that night and missed it. He brought a huge tub of ice cream from Giant Eagle and of course everyone was more than happy to have dessert at 12 am. Birthday after birthday Sanchita and I, the "birthday generals", perfected the art of cake smashing while the guys got "better" at breaking pool sticks on the backs of the birthday boys. I particularly remember Ujjwal's birthday when his roommate Sachin gave him flying kicks... Oww that must've hurt! Thankfully the girls were spared. Some of the non Indian guys in our batch wondered why the birthday boy got bashed up on his birthday. Honestly don't think any of the desis managed to answer that so they were spared too. Usually at 11.55 pm someone would go and round up everyone present in INI, irrespective of the batch, for the birthday celebration in the kitchen. Then at 12 am the birthday boy/girl would be escorted by his/her friends to the kitchen and then the ritual would begin. Sometimes it even included people chasing each other in an attempt to smear cake on the victim. And oh yes... whenever the birthday boy/girl crossed 25 years of age, Arpan personally welcomed him/her to the "25+" clique.

We even managed to celebrate Holi at INI thanks to Arpan, Janhavi, Utsav and Sid, who managed to lay their hands on some colors at some event on the main campus. They suddenly attacked some unsuspecting souls in the middle of the night. Then they went around finding their own victims. For this event no one was spared. It sure was a lot of fun running around in the dead of the night laughing and smearing colors on anyone we could find...


And of course... I've got to mention the potlucks... We didn't have these too often due to lack of time but did manage to squeeze in a few. People were mighty enthusiastic cooking for 50+ people and turns out most of us do have an alternate career option... that of a chef! Food would range from appetizers to fancy entrees to finally desserts (Meenal when do we get to sample the brownies again?). This was usually followed by dancing (typically led by Smidth) and/or games. Sometimes Sethu used to provide entertainment by mimicing classmates, professors and so on.

"All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy". Think INI kept this in mind and thus provided us with a pool table which was used regularly. New games like "Cut throat" were invented. We did try to get a Foosball table too, but unfortunately didn't succeed. Our final semester at INI did see a lot of Bridge as well. Think it was "jobless" Rio who got people excited about it and even took the effort to teach clueless souls like me.

A post about life at INI would be incomplete without the mention of cricket. We had lots of cricket enthusiasts and the dudes and occasionally the dudettes would play cricket in the 1st floor corridor. The rules were changed taking into consideration the restrictions imposed by the location itself. Dustbins usually served the purpose of stumps and certain areas were marked off as "4 runs" and "6 runs".

Dustbins suddenly remind me of Sundar aka Bandar announcing and in fact creating a big ruccus at a Town hall meeting about how INI didn't have trash cans designated for recyclable waste and so on. INI took his suggestion to heart and within a few days extra trash cans appeared in the kitchen. Though I really really doubt whether people took the effort to actually sort the trash before dumping...

As our time at INI drew to an end, we decided to celebrate our 2 years in style... Since we started with the cruise, it felt only fitting that we end with one too. Of course the cruise part turned out to be mighty expensive, so we just had a lavish party on the Gateway Clipper with Rio and Mike stepping in as the DJs for the night...



As Ramu aptly said "INI has given more than just careers to us"... Indeed... new friendships were formed, even romance blossomed within the walls of INI. INI was indeed a home away from home... where a new family came together and alliances were formed that will be cherished forever....

Religion, Community, Caste, Age no bar.... Really?

After a rather looooong break from the blogging world, I suddenly remembered a promise I had made to a certain friend... that I would blog about a topic that we feel strongly about... so I'm back!

Here's a scene from a typical Indian family. A boy/girl breaks it to his/her family that he/she has found true love. And as expected he/she is bombarded with questions... which is natural since a person's life/future is at stake. For the example, let's assume the protagonist is a guy...
(Code : B - Boy, G - Girl, P - Either parent, X/Y - Random variables, R - Boy's religion, C - Boy's community, D - Girl's religion, M - Some girl picked out by B's parents)

B: I wanted to tell you something. I like G and want to marry her.
P: Who is she?
B: I met her at X/know her through Y (etc etc)
P: Is she also a R?
B (now starts looking a little bit worried... here's the tough part): No. She's actually D
P (now his face starts clouding over): Then the answer is no. You have to forget her and marry M.

Scene 2... starts somewhat similar... here B is finally relieved that the girl belongs to his religion and community but unfortunately his woes don't stop here....
P: Oh she is also R? Fantastic! Is she also from our C?
B(overjoyed): Yes!
P:Great. Does she belong to our caste (or better still sub sub sub section of our caste)
B:Uh oh.... no...
P: Sorry son.... we can't accept this. What will everyone say? (Aaah... unfortunately the whole world takes precedence over the boy's happiness)

Scene 3... B gets lucky... girl is from his caste and community and practices the same religion...
P: Son, you have our blessings. When can we meet her parents to finalize the date?


Whoa! Wait a sec..... Aren't we forgetting some bigger issues here?

Even though we are in the 21st century and India claims to be open minded and modern when it comes to relationships and marriages, somehow the age old mentality still prevails. I would normally assume that when you are choosing a life partner what really matters is the person... his/her values, personality, compatibility and so on. But somehow these factors never seem to be considered by parents. For them the deciding factors are religion, community, caste and then age and everything else is secondary.

I tried to see this from a parent's perspective... Tried to give myself reasonable explanations for this and failed to convince myself. What if the person is perfect for me and is a wonderful human being? I see no justification in turning him down because of issues like religion, community and so on.

Religion is perhaps the only bit I can understand the concerns about, primarily if one party needs to change his/her religion in order to marry and be accepted by the other family. You cannot possibly change your beliefs after 20 odd years and adjustment would certainly be difficult. But if both families are okay with their religious differences and do not impose anything on the other, is it that difficult?

Coming to community... Okay... so there are cultural differences. Some rites and rituals are different, their upbringing may be different. Does that make them bad human beings? And is it not something one can learn and adjust with? Also, in the age of nuclear families, it's not that the involved parties would actually live with the in-laws and deal with such differences on a daily basis. And even if the need does arise, I don't suppose learning the new family's culture is a Herculean task. Some amount of adjustment is required anyways, even within the same community. I have heard people saying that marriage isn't about two people but about two families. But seriously... in the modern age how many times do the families actually meet and spend so much time that the differences would become that apparent?

Even if the community does match, does it necessarily imply that both parties have had the exact same upbringing? They may speak the same language but may have led completely different lifestyles, thereby leading to huge cultural differences anyways. For all you know, the girl may have been roaming around in a bikini (not that I have anything against that but typically many people from the older generation are still scandalized by the thought of it) and the guy's parents think that the girl is oh so conservative and can easily gel with their family because they happen to be from the same community.

As far as caste system in India is concerned, well that's a huge controversial topic in itself. Anyways, when it comes to relationships and/or marriages, this plays a huge role. Many many years ago caste determined the work you do or rather it started off as being the indicator for the work you do and then the system degenerated into it being the deciding factor. So may be in those days, it would indicate the financial situation of the family which may be a valid concern for the other family. But in the 21st century, this distinction between castes as far as financial condition is concerned, has become a blur and perhaps no longer holds true. There are several families from so called lower castes who are doing really well and are completely stable financially while there may be members of the upper classes of society who may be living hand-to-mouth.

Hurdle # 4 --- Age. Thankfully the ideal age difference between the boy and the girl is no longer considered to be 8+. Phew! Long back my mother once told me about how I should find a boy 3/4 years older than me and I bluntly replied that he would be more like a brother for me rather than a boyfriend or husband. I'll admit she wasn't too happy with my answer. In the earlier days such an age difference was desired since girls were married off really early so someone had to be mature and responsible.... and of course this was none other than the breadwinner for the family. The situation is no longer the same now, though I will admit that at some level the whole concept of the guy being the primary breadwinner of the family and therefore the more mature and responsible one, still exists. Indian society still has difficulty accepting a couple where the girl is older than a guy, even if it is by a few months.

In present times parents also have another slightly different reason for wanting the age difference and I won't say it is illogical. Given the fact that nowadays both the husband and the wife work, sometimes it may lead to some form of rivalry, primarily if they happen to be in the same field. Therefore parents feel that if the guy is significantly older, then he would always be ahead of his wife as far as career is concerned and there would be no rivalry. However, doesn't this issue boil down to something that basically requires understanding and love between the husband and the wife? Why would one feel jealous if the person one loves is doing well? Isn't it like a victory for both? Why the ego problem or the rivalry?

All said and done, I will admit that there is some explanation for each of these supposed requirements that our parents tell us to keep in mind. But the truth remains that irrespective of what they say, marriage or a relationship after all brings together two people who love each other enough to actually adjust (if they haven't adjusted already) with all these differences and make it work in the long run. So as the saying goes "Jab miya biwi raazi to kya karega kaazi?" (If husband and wife are ready, what's left for the priest to do?)

Return to India?

I read an article recently. Probably the best I've read in a very long time (Return to India) It describes a family's decision to move back to India after spending a good 15 years in USA. Reading this and my friends' reaction to this kinda got me thinking about what my stand is on this issue.

In my case, having been here for only a little over a year, I suppose I'm still in the "I love everything about this place" phase, adapting to the culture, enjoying the new found freedom, soaking in all that is good that life here can offer. Sure, there are some things that I occasionally come across that I don't like, but I choose to ignore those little things, as of now. Sometimes people ask me whether I want to move back to India and pat comes my response "Ummm.. Well, I don't think so..." The truth is I've not given it a serious thought yet but if I have to decide right now whether I want to move back right away, I would probably just think of staying put. Yeah yeah.. I'm probably going to be labeled "Deshdrohi" (betrayer) for making this statement but as I said earlier, this is without too much thought going into the decision.

Life in USA is easier... and there's no contesting the verity of the statement. Everything around us here is process oriented and systematic. If you want to do something, there will be a website stating the steps. Follow them and you are done, many a times without even having to step out from the comfort of your home. Even if you do have to go down to some Government office, you are not greeted by lackadaisical officers who really seem to be taking a break from their phone calls, chats and tea/coffee drinking sessions by sitting at the desk and signing some forms. The scene back there that I can last recall was totally opposite. After you spend an entire day standing in queues and going from counter to counter, you are told to come back the next day with the false promise that your work will surely get done. You know it won't and yet you are back, simply because you have no choice and you are dearly holding onto that teeny tiny possibility of your work actually getting done. Do I want to go back to that? No... thank you! I mentioned this to my father once and I must say he raised a valid point. He stated that I don't need to do all this running around myself, I can pay and send an agent or something. But the truth remains that someone will have to do it and living in US teaches you to not employ help in such matters and do things on your own. I personally don't think I want to do all that.

Think of the education system. Somehow back there it is more theory driven and the syllabus is outdated. I admit that it may not be practically feasible to keep in pace with every new revolution that may happen in the industry, but is it not necessary to incorporate those changes at least once in 2/3 years? Another issue that somehow goes unnoticed is plagiarism. Homework is done by 1 person and is distributed to the entire class... everyone submits the same thing and nobody is penalized. As for all the quotas in colleges, aah... that's a huge and rather controversial issue that I will probably not get into right now.

Now let's look at career. True, India is making massive progress in technology, especially where IT is involved. But ever looked at the job profile? Most multinationals have branches in India and employ fresh graduates from various engineering colleges but what kind of work do they get? Most places you start in a testing role where you have no access to the code. All you do is run a bunch of scripts every single day and file bugs if you find any. Before you know it your learning curve has become flat and you sit and wonder when you will get to use all the skills you spent 4 years learning. After a couple of years, may be your manager will let you move to some feature development work that has been thrown your way. Somehow the core development work and the "meaty stuff" still happen at the headquarters and other branches in USA and what gets outsourced are things that are not so mission critical. So career wise, moving back would be a big step down. At least that's what it looks like right now. Another issue is the fact that nepotism and politics are still rampant in Indian offices and the hierarchy system is really strong unlike the meritocracy based system and the flat organization structure here. Well I will admit that I personally have very little experience in working in India and US to make such a strong statement, but this is the general impression I've formed after talking to people who've dealt with both.

I suppose I'm painting an awful picture of life in India. Is it all that bad? Certainly not. As the author of the article rightly pointed out, America can give you all the riches in the world, but cannot give you a family. Your parents, your grandparents, cousins, uncles, aunts... your root is still in India and you cannot forget or ignore that... rather you should not. And it's not just about the people... but the culture, the values as well. As and when I become a mother, I too would want my kid(s) to appreciate and learn all that. I would want him/her/them (o boy.. too many uncertainties) to get to know his/her/their (Aaaargh!) relatives and love and respect them. He/She/They (Ok... I'm tired of this so henceforth will refer to the kid(s) as "they") to learn about life in India and not look down upon that as something "icky" and "uncool". I guess somehow I will try hard to give them the best of both worlds... Though how I will do it is something I will have to figure out when the time comes. When it comes to values, I guess I am still connected to my roots and I hope the kids would be too, without becoming the "C" of ABCD (America Born Confused Desi).

I know many people move back to bring their children closer to the Indian culture/values. Our decision is based on how things were when we were children. This worked really well in the past. The current picture is very different though, something I've gathered based on my conversation with a friend currently in Std 11 in a school in Mumbai and other cousins currently in school. Most schools and colleges in the metropolitan cities are filled with "wannabe"s, kids who are trying to ape the Western culture and not knowing where to draw the line. I still get a shock every now and then when I hear stories from their schools and wonder "Oh boy... am I really this old??? When DID I finish school?" I cannot identify with the situations and really cannot distinguish between things in USA and things in India. Looking at the bright side... well the kids can learn to play the "tabla" instead of drums and learn more about the Indian culture by watching plays/movies, reading books, interacting with people and so on, something that may be tougher to come by in USA.

At this point I will mention that there is one tiny little thing that is gnawing at the back of my mind. What should I do when my parents grow old and the time comes for me to take care of them? As an only child, it is clearly my responsibility. Even if I did have siblings, I still wouldn't shrug the responsibility just so that I can continue life as though nothing has changed. Putting them into an old age home is not an option.. Period. Uprooting them and bringing them here would be unfair and selfish. So this fact would play a huge role when it is time for me to decide. Also, the whole "giving something back to the country" argument bothers me a bit. Just donating money to charities is not something that would make me feel like I did something significant. But what I would do or how I would do it, is something I will hopefully figure out in the future.

India is on the road to improvement. I will not deny that. The fact that the "brain drain" has already reduced bears testimony to that. Just that some very important issues still need to be resolved. Some of them have 1 solution... a change in attitude. I know that the saying goes "You need to be in the system to beat the system", but right now in some way, I've taken the easier road out; not that coming here was a conscious effort to escape from it, but it's more like I put my own dreams before the country's needs, at least for now.

Would I call people who do decide to go back stupid? No... I salute them for having the guts to take that huge decision and I pray that they never regret it. They have their reasons, just that perhaps I do not identify with all of them right now. As of now, I'm just going with the flow and postponing that decision. I suppose the fact that I'm still a student gives me the liberty to do so. But may be I too will think the same way a few years later, who knows? If I do decide to head back, I promise I will write about what changed my mind..... :-)

I wish...

I wish I were invisible... I wish I was Superman (or pick your favorite superhero).... I wish I were omniscient... I wish I could see the future.... The many responses to a simple little question... "If you could ask the Almighty for one super power what would that be?" More often than not the answer comes spontaneously... as if it was a question we have asked ourselves over and over again. But to think about it even if this question is thrown at us out of the blue, the answer pops out effortlessly.

The reason for the above "phenomenon", if I may say so (ok ok.. a really big word for describing something rather insignificant) is simple. Situations we face in our life sometimes overwhelm us and drive us to moments of utter desperation when normal measures that the human mind can come up with appear to bear no fruit and then we start thinking of super powers which may aid us in overcoming whatever difficulties we may be facing.

Guess my prologue is long enough so it's time for me to launch into the main story. The super power I want. The one power I crave is the ability to get into people's heads and see what is going on in there... In other words being able to read people's minds. It's not that difficult when the person is around you and you know him/her really well so much so that you can gauge what the person is thinking from just the look in the eyes. But when it comes to dealing with a closed book, boy it can be a Herculean task alright! Sometimes you would feel that you are making some headway while at other times you feel you are in front of a thick wall you are unable to breach. The situation is just as bad or perhaps worse when that person is far away. Sitting thousands of miles away, it is almost impossible to penetrate that person's thoughts and understand what is on his or her mind.

Life would be so much simpler if we could get into other people's heads. There would be no room for any kind of misunderstanding or doubt. Everything would go smoothly. No one would knowingly hurt anyone and if someone is sulking, one could get into that person's head and know exactly what is bothering him or her.

But now that I think about it, I guess life would become a tad dull with this power. The beauty of life lies in its unpredictability. And the human factor is what makes it so very interesting. Agreed it can lead to frustrations at times but then think about the bright side... You can be at the receiving end of pleasant surprises which others may plan for you which would no longer remain a surprise if you could get into their heads and see the idea being formed anyways. How boring! Ah well, it pretty much boils down to the "two sides of a coin" factor. It's a balance. All said and done... guess I'm happy the way I am, not being able to force myself into people's heads... at least for now, until the next time I face a desperate situation...

Conquered... well... almost!

Never thought that a single decision in my life would change how my life would be for over 4 looooong months... Though when I look back I can't seem to recall how time flew... and yet the initial days of the semester are so blurry.... Kind of an antithesis, don't you think?

15-410... these 5 digits are probably embedded in my brain forever. I still remember the fateful night when I stayed up all through just so that I could register for this class at 6 am as soon as course registrations started. This was how desperate I was to get into the class. The reason? The stories I had heard about this course from seniors. I had heard all about it for 2 years before I landed in Carnegie Mellon University. And it fascinated me... it challenged me.... and as soon as I got my admit into this university I knew I was definitely going to take this course.

15-410... Operating System Design and Implementation.... the 5 words that changed my life... OK, somewhat an exaggeration but that's how it feels when I look back at it about 24 hours after I completed my last project in that course. Most people told me it's a C course.. meaning it's an achievement to get a "C" in the course and it requires a hell lot of effort to get a B and an A was possible only if you were as smart as the CS undergraduate students here.

Seniors warned us about the truckloads of work which this course represented. But this did not deter the 21 brave warriors of INI. We were mentally prepared to fight this battle and emerge victorious that too with flying colours. And so the course began, with some simple (most certainly didn't seem simple back then but a piece of cake in hindsight) labs. More of a warm up if I may say so, before the real projects came along. Wrote a stack crawler, some device drivers and a game. OK... so far so good... And we started wondering "What was all the fuss about? This seems pretty doable..." Hah... we were soooooooooo wrong!

Then came along hurdle 1. It was called P2 - the POSIX thread library. 3 weeks of sleepless nights and sheer madness. Eventually my partner and I managed to crash the kernel and received a new one to work with. Finally 2 days before the lab was due we managed to get the tests running. Hurray!

OK.... now the dreaded P3 begins... 6 weeks to build a preemptible multithreaded kernel. Start off with some simple things like the loader and virtual memory. And gradually we get a tiny bit complacent as things seem to be under control while God above laughed at us and said "Right... wait and watch sonny!"

Then gradually things began to take a nasty turn. Bug after bug... and just when we went about announcing to everyone how we got something working. OS got to us. Arguments and frustration ensued. A bug that had my partner and me on the verge of going bald. And one week later we found the problem and learnt a valuable lesson. Never ever copy-paste!!!

The kernel chugged along, with many unexpected halts and frantic debugging. Spent many a night pondering over why I put myself in this mess. C code and hex dumps were my companions every night as I closed my eyes in a futile attempt to sleep. I would see page tables and triple faults and dumps of segmentation faults in my sleep. Not the best dream I tell you. My last thought as I drifted off and my first thought as I woke up 2-3 hours later were the same "Why is this not working?" and some more mumbo-jumbo about design and the code. Just when something started working, some other functionality would break. Frustrations soared with the eagles. Tempers soared higher. Not that my partner and I were trying to blame each other for the code but then when you start spending 14-15 hours every single day working on the same issue day after day, night after night, it kinda gets to you to the extent that you start blasting anybody around you... and who better than your OS partner!!! Sorry Gurpreet.. :-P

At times I used to sit and calculate how my grades would be hit if I couldn't submit the kernel. But it was not about grades really. I was out to prove something to myself. It was a challenge and I wanted to face it and more importantly conquer it.

The hardships did not end once we reached the "code complete" stage. It was when we started running the plethora of tests that we realized how "incomplete" the kernel was. Quick design changes followed by recoding happened ever so often. And of course bugs, bugs and more bugs everywhere.

But it was not all bad. The joy we experienced when after hours of debugging we would rectify an error is indescribable. We felt on top of the world every time we fixed an error and got another test to run successfully. OS and I shared a love hate relationship. Loved the course when things worked and absolutely hated it when it didn't. I once referred to the kernel "Pebbles" as my boyfriend, given the importance it held in my life and the amount of time I was devoting to it... much to the displeasure of a certain person... :-P

Finally we got the damned thing to work... or rather so we would like to believe.. so it's better for your welfare that you do not contradict us on this. The tests ran "happily" as my partner says and we submitted the kernel and promised never to run and look at it till the grades were out. But the 6 weeks had hit us so hard that every waking moment we continued to spend thinking of possible errors and other improvements. Thankfully we still had write permission so we made a couple of changes later. He he...

And yes, this post is incomplete without a mention of the Floppy Disk seminar. This was on the night that the kernel was due. All through the semester the professors had been talking about this rather important seminar where we would learn about giant (about 14" in diameter going by what he showed us through gestures) floppy disks. Finally we signed up for the seminar and had to choose from some rather interesting and in fact ridiculous options. Eventually this turned out to be a class tradition. Every semester, the night when the kernel is due, the professors treat the students to pizza and soda at the CS department lounge at 12 am. It was a fabulous surprise and a looooot of fun!!! As for the name.. well think about it.. pizzas are like disks too and are floppy... ingenious! That's our CS department for you...

Then came the last project. The boot loader for the kernel. This too was challenging. Some bugs and 2 sleepless nights later we managed to boot our kernel with our very own bootloader. Oh that felt so wonderful. I started jumping up and down in excitement.

Never have I ever taken a course that took me from utter hopelessness and depression to sheer ecstasy within a few seconds. Never have I ever done something so fulfilling. Never have I done something that will make me finally agree upon the saying "There's no gain without pain." The take away from this course is mind blowing. Nothing else could have taught me what I have learnt in the last few months. Systems programming concepts, design, debugging tactics, teamwork and many innumerable moments of happiness and sorrow. These 4 months I shall treasure... It was an experience worth blogging about, a journey worth remembering, an experience of a lifetime...

Silence......

Ever heard the phrase "Deafening silence"? I laughed at the oxymoron... till I heard it. It is so loud that you feel like placing the palms of your hands on your ears and say "Please God no more..."

Labeled since childhood as a talkative girl I never understood the importance of speech until recently. Ironical, isn't it? Communication is probably the lifeline of every relationship, be it among friends, lovers or family. Usually it does not receive its due importance because more often than not this aspect is always there. You haven't spoken to a friend for a few days, and you call up and say "Yo dude! Wassup?" But what happens when this call never comes? You begin to wonder.... "Why doesn't this person call? Doesn't he/she care about me any more?"

Communication - the imparting or interchange of thoughts, opinions, or information... and perhaps a lot more.... by speech, writing, or signs. In the absence of this all you are left with are memories and imagination. Sometimes it's acceptable and you can make your peace with it... but sometimes you cannot and your mind is filled with unpleasant thoughts as you drown in a pool of sorrow which probably the other end never consciously intended pushing you into.

It begins with convincing yourself that things are still the same. You look at old e-mails, letters, cards, gifts and chat transcripts, recall old conversations and tell yourself that nothing has changed. But at some point you cannot ignore it any longer, you cannot help but notice that something is missing from the relationship. Then the Devil sitting inside your mind gets to work, filling it with all kinds of strange, unpleasant, sometimes baseless thoughts, and you try hard, really hard to battle them with optimistic thoughts, pleasant memories and so on. Sometimes the latter emerges victorious and you calm down, but only for some time till the next battle is waged. Otherwise you succumb to those thoughts.... "Does this person care about me any more? Is he/she not calling because he/she doesn't like talking to me any more? Oh this must be the case... That explains why the communication gap is bothering me so much but not the other person involved...." and it continues. With every such thought you push your spirits one notch lower.

It's strange that the absence of a little thing like communication can wreak havoc in your life and the relationship you share with the other person involved. Perhaps you give that person undue importance in your life so much so that the person unknowingly begins controlling your moods, your life. Probably not a very smart idea, but nevertheless at that point all you can do is feel lost and helpless. You try talking to that person, explaining how you feel... if you are lucky then things get back to normal, if not the self inflicted torture continues....